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Violence In Our Lives Ends Today |
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Domestic Violence -
A Success Story
by Beth Fisher
| This story is COPYRIGHTED by me. It may NOT be copied, reproduced, distributed, or used in any public fashion in ANY way whatsoever without my express written permission to do so. This includes copying manually or electronically, putting any part thereof on your webpage, in training manuals, newsletters, email, printing it out and/or distributing it in any way whatsoever. Please notify me if you link to this page. You may email me for specific permission to use in Domestic Violence speeches, college papers, or Domestic Violence counseling. Written permission is required! |
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Introduction There are a lot of misconceptions about domestic violence. It only happens to minorities, the poor, the ugly, the lower-class. You'd know a abuser to see one. Abuse can only be physical, if I'm not being hit with a fist I'm not being abused. If the woman stays she must like it. These stereotypes and misconceptions go on and on. But the truth is that there really are no stereotypes. This problem crosses all classes and all income brackets. Most abusers have a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde personality and you would NOT know to see them in public what goes on behind the "white picket fence" at home. Abuse does not have to be and generally isn't, just physical. It is also verbal and emotional. And no, just because the woman stays doesn't mean she likes it. There are a lot of reasons why women stay; they love him, they think it won't happen again, he will change, they must have provoked it somehow, they can't make it on their own, no one else would want them anyway, etc., etc., etc.. There are as many reasons why women stay as there are women in these situations. My story is a long story and it was a hard story for me to tell. But according to my email and my guestbook entries, my true story, HAS, encouraged other abused women to leave their abusers. Therefore it has been worth it! |
| First of all, I want to state that I came from an upper middle-class family. As a child I had no experience at all with domestic violence. Neither of my parents ever abused the other. My parents are still happily married after over 48 years. I left home (Louisiana) right after I graduated high school and joined the Navy. I left behind a boyfriend who promised to wait the six years for me to come home and us to be married. In August I got out of boot camp and everyone seemed to be pairing into couples as we went on to tech school. Patrick and I started hanging out together because he also had a girlfriend back home (Georgia) and neither of us wanted a new relationship in Florida. We had a lot in common and went everywhere and did everything together. It wasn't long before I heard the bells, saw the fireworks, and had all the classic symptoms of being in love. He felt the same way. |
| In November, I came home on leave and tried to break up with my boyfriend, who had not treated me that great in high school anyway; but he wanted no part of it. Instead he gave me a gorgeous ring with six diamonds and a white opal. I tried not to accept it, but it was so beautiful that when he insisted it was a birthday present I kept it. Patrick and I both had been transferred to Chicago by then. Within three weeks of my arrival back in Chicago, Patrick talked me into going home with him for Christmas instead of returning to my own home as my family expected. |
| While in Georgia, Patrick brought up dumping our fiances' and eloping. We had known each other about four months. His family was all for it. My family was not happy. I thought it was the most romantic thing in the world. I now know it was jealousy over the ring I had accepted. We were married on December 31, 1979 at City Hall by a Justice of the Peace who was wearing blue jeans, cowboy boots and a baseball cap. Pat's parents and little sister were present as witnesses. I didn't find it so romantic anymore, but I was in love so I swallowed the disappointment at not having a beautiful wedding or having my family present. I was totally unaware of the wedge being driven between my family and me. |
| After returning to the base, Patrick insisted I return the ring and all other presents in my possession to my ex-boyfriend. He would talk constantly about how women had no place in the Navy. Within two months I was out of the Navy with a medical discharge. It never occurred to me that he was manipulating me. We had a disagreement one day over something small and he took a glass glass and smashed it against it against his forehead. He was bleeding and I was horrified! I apologized over whatever I had done that had upset him so badly and I was unconsciously more aware of what I said in the future that might upset him and cause him to hurt himself. That was my first indication of his temper and what was to come, but I didn't recognize it at the time. |
| We returned to Orlando for more of his schooling for 8 months. The second incident happened there. Again over something small. I had playfully flicked a few pieces of corn at him. When I didn't stop when he told me to, he slammed me against the wall and poured an entire glass of milk down the front of my shirt. We had company present who thought it was funny. When we later fought about it, he informed me I had brought it on myself. I didn't know anyone at the places we were sent and I was reliant upon his friends. Since his friends were always the ones at our apartment, it wasn't long before the accusations of infidelity started. I didn't know it then, but the verbal and emotional abuse were already in full swing. He was slowly eroding away all my self-confidence and self-esteem. But it came on so gradually I didn't see it happening. |
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We transferred to New York for yet more of his schooling. That was our first Christmas being married. When I got upset about not seeing my family for the second year in a row, another fight started and he threw our small, fully decorated Christmas tree across the living room, smashing all the bulbs. I was again told it was my fault for upsetting him and my family didn't want to see me anyway. I heard this saying so often, that I don't even know when I started believing it. But soon I did believe all his actions were my fault. I was unconciously always trying to "behave better" so I wouldn't "cause" him to be angry. |
| I was six months pregnant when we transferred again. This time to Virginia for him to be stationed on an Aircraft Carrier. He went to sea when I was 8 months pregnant. He came back for the birth and left again. When he returned our son was almost five months old. I had formed a strong support system through my church. Patrick was in and out at sea and we were separated a lot. Two years later I gave birth to our daughter. Although the verbal abuse was present when he was home and he had started drinking a lot with his friends, everything else was peaceful in our lives. |
| Things started coming to a head when he was no longer going to sea and I decided I wanted to return to school and get a degree. He was totally against it but I was determined. I enrolled in school. We started fighting more often, but I wasn't a meek, quiet thing and stood up for what I wanted. At a party one night he slapped me for the first time. I was shocked! Another woman jumped in and he slammed her back against the car. She went into an epileptic seizure but he had no remorse. We left and he tried to push me out of the car, going 60 mph down the interstate with our three month old daughter in my lap. For the first time I wanted to leave him, but I had no where to go. I had two small children, how would I provide for them? I filed charges against him instead and we went to court. The Judge asked me what I wanted him to do about it. I told him I wanted Patrick to get some help or get out of my house. The Judge was not sympathetic and ordered US (not him) into Spouse Abuse Counseling. Patrick was to go to the men's group and I was to go to the women's. I went to my sessions. It was totally depressing. Hearing all those stories of how the men will never change. If only I had listened! Instead I thought I was different. These women were being beaten! Patrick had only hit me once and we had been married for 6 years by then. But he didn't go to his group meetings. He always had an excuse why he couldn't or he "forgot". I went back to the Judge. He ordered us into couple counseling. We went twice before Patrick's enlistment with the Navy ended and we left Virginia. That was the end of that. |
| I wanted to move to Florida, but we went to Georgia instead to live with his family. That's when I learned the true depth of domestic violence. Every couple in his family (there were 8 kids) had violence in their lives. His father was an alcoholic who beat and terrorized his mother. His mother constantly bad mouthed his father but never stood up for herself. If any of the men in the family did what their wives wanted, they were considered henpecked. It was horrible. After two months of listening to me complain, we moved on to Florida. I thought we might have been okay, but instead he let his brother and his wife move in with us. The fighting continued, but he wasn't hitting me. I didn't realize exactly how bad the verbal and emotional abuse were or how things were escalating, even after his brother and his wife moved out. |
| We went to a Christmas Party for my job. I wore an expensive white silk jumpsuit given to me by a friend. It was long sleeved, but cut to the waist in the front, so under it I wore a pretty sequined tube top. I danced with my four male bosses and other male employees, socialized with all their wives and had a good time with everyone. When we left the party Patrick accused me of sleeping with every man I worked with. At the house he started throwing me around. He busted my lip and knocked me unconscious on the corner of the coffee table. As soon as I could, I ran from the house. I hid in a ditch, trembling in cold and fear, and ruining my expensive outfit while he drove around looking for me. Another of his brothers had moved in and was present for the whole thing. He refused to help me and called his family to tell them how I had deserved it for "going to the party half naked" (which I most certainly had not!). Again I found myself with two small children and no where to go. The next day I insisted Patrick leave. So after Christmas he and his brother moved out. |
| While we were separated I couldn't seem to stay away from him. He was back into his Dr. Jekyll personality and it was hard to believe he was the same person who had done those things to me. I knew the cycle by then, the honeymoon phase, then the tension building phase, and then the violence. I knew I needed to stay away from him. But I missed him. I was having medical problems and was going into the hospital for a hysterectomy. With the kids, I needed someone. I was nearly a thousand miles from my family and I hadn't had a close relationship with them for years. What few friends he didn't run out of my life, got to where they didn't want to hear it. They felt if I hadn't left, I must be enjoying it. They were quick to judge, but not quick to offer help when I did want out. Patrick and I ended up getting back together. A few months later, he hit me again, and we separated again. This time, his parents came down to stay with me and convinced me that I had blown things out of proportion in my mind. We were in the process of buying a house and they didn't think I should throw everything away because Patrick lost his temper one time. I let them convince me that there had not been much violence in our 9 year marriage. We got back together and bought the house. |
| But things didn't get better. Patrick wasn't hitting me but he smashed holes in the wall and the doors to our room, the bathroom, and the closet. He smashed full jars against the wall for me to clean up. He destroyed things that belonged to me. I still had a little influence because I wouldn't let him hurt the kids or destroy anything that belonged to them. I don't know how he knew not to cross that line but he did. I went and talked to my Pastor, who told me my marriage vow said "till death do us part" not "until you hit me the first time". I doubted my own sanity. I thought it was my fault he did all these things. The pastor told me I had to work harder at the relationship, so I did. |
| In 1990, we found out Patrick's father had terminal cancer. He wanted to move home. I didn't want to go, but that didn't matter. The house was put on the market and we moved back to Georgia. Although he had promised we wouldn't, we lived with his parents again. I lived walking on eggshells. His whole family condoned violence and would not step in when he would have me on the bed choking me or shaking his fist in my face. I started to leave again, not caring where I would go, but he promised it would be better when we got our own place. I talked him into moving to a small town 30 miles away. Things were better for awhile, but not long. His father died. Patrick was drinking straight from the whiskey bottle now, not even chasing it with anything. He played mind games. He smashed my things when I said anything he didn't like. He kicked dents in the filing cabinet and dishwasher. Put holes in the walls I had to hang pictures over. If he was driving, he loved to slam on the brakes (I had a bad back from a car accident) and slam me against my seatbelt. If I was driving he would throw a fit and try to kick the windshield out. I left him again. I took the kids and moved home to Louisiana; struggling with two kids in a small apartment. He came after me. "He had changed, he would never do it again." The known was less scary than the unknown. I once again allowed him to talk me into coming back. |
| One day around Christmas (holidays seemed to be a particularly bad time for us), I said something about his mother he didn't like. He hurt me bad enough that I finally had to go to the emergency room for stitches. An abuse counselor came in to talk to me, and I still didn't believe I was a battered woman. "My husband had never punched me! This was the first time he had ever sent me to the emergency room." The police went out to talk to him, but he laughed. As a mailman he had seen that policeman hit his own wife before. I didn't dare bring charges against him or my grocery money would be used as bail money and there would be no help for me once he got out if I didn't bail him out. We separated again. |
| He wouldn't stay away and wanted to come home. I demanded he get help or I was never allowing him back. I had been to a psychologist by then, thinking I was the crazy one and had been assured I wasn't. Patrick agreed to go into a Men Stopping Violence program and I allowed him to move back. He had to drive 3 hours to Atlanta once a week to go to his program. He hated it. He constantly complained and blamed me for having to go. He didn't like what they said to him. He didn't think of his constant sexual comments and actions as abuse. He thought he was right and they were wrong and quit filling out the paperwork he was supposed to do each week. He lied to the group about his actions because he was embarrassed that he hadn't changed them. |
| He was about to graduate the program when he pulled a gun on me one day. I didn't want guns in the house with the children and was shocked he even had it. He had gotten it when I had gone to Louisiana and hidden it when I got back. It was an old rifle of some sort and he shoved it in my hands and tried hard to make me shoot him, forcing my finger around the trigger. To this day the only reason I think I didn't, was my children playing in the yard and them having to grow up knowing their mother killed their father. But I knew then the program hadn't helped him. |
| I thought I was staying for my children to have a father. I thought God wanted the marriage to work no matter what. But my 12-year-old son began exhibiting signs of treating girls like his father did. My 10-year-old daughter decided she was NEVER getting married. The effect on the children was really bothering me. |
| It all blew up when my mother had a heart attack 4/1/94. We left the children with an aunt and went to Louisiana. I begged Patrick to behave himself during this family crisis. He didn't. I don't think he could, he was so out of control. But that was the last straw for me. We left the hospital and had a fight. He jumped out of the car and told me, "Wait until I get you home!" I knew he meant it. I was scared to death. I left him standing in the middle of the street and I took off for Georgia. I picked up my kids, packed my computer, my dog, and what clothes we could fit into my little Honda. When he got there on the Greyhound bus, we were gone! For good this time! |
| When I told the kids we were leaving him, their response was, "It's about time!" at only 10 and 12 years old. I had gotten through 15 years of marriage to this man by keeping blinders on, taking each incident individually. Yes, he punched a hole in the wall but do I really want to throw a whole marriage away because he punched a hole in the wall? That seemed pretty silly. I left my nice house, I left all my possessions, I left everything. But I was free! It wasn't until I was out and started making a list for my lawyer of all the violent incidents I could remember (and only God knows how many I can't) that I was horrified that I had stayed so long. It's a case of not being able to see the forest for the trees. Now I liken Domestic Violence to a frog. If the frog is put into boiling water he will immediately jump out. But if you put him in cold water and slowly bring the water to a boil, he will sit there and die. That's what happens to women in these situations. |
| After he tracked us to Washington state through the kids school records (after the schools had been warned not to give him any information), we returned to Louisiana. I filed for divorce in April, 1994. He did try to get me back again and I took out a restraining order. The kids and I stayed in the domestic violence shelter in Louisiana while I got on my feet. We all got much needed counseling on domestic violence and its effects. I didn't think I could make it or provide for my kids. I had to rebuild my self-confidence and my self-esteem. I had to realize I CAN make it without him and am much better off. And you know what? |
| I have and it's fantastic! It was hard; I won't say it wasn't. I was humiliated applying for food stamps, which I had never done before. I got a job and had to apply for assistance for the deposit on a house of my own. But I rebuilt my life and came off the food stamps within a couple of months. I have always lived on my faith in God, but I lived on it TOTALLY those first few months! I couldn't have made it without Him! I couldn't have lived through the marriage without Him!!! I found out my family didn't hate me as Patrick had me believing all those years and the kids and I now have a close and loving relationship with my parents. The kids got to see aunts and uncles who don't believe violence is a way of life and they got to see healthy role models. I went back to college and got my Paralegal degree. |
| My only regret is that I let myself get screwed in the divorce because I wanted out so badly. (Getting my Paralegal degree let me know how badly I had been screwed by my public defender lawyer!) I didn't want to have to go back to Georgia to go to court, so I agreed to things I shouldn't have agreed to (and my lawyer shouldn't have LET me agree to) just to get it over with. Pat lives in a small town and is well respected in the community. (He's a Postal Carrier.) No one in town would believe what I had to say about him (Not Patrick!) and I just didn't want to fight it out. Since I couldn't get no visitation, I was too worried about things like, the kids couldn't be around any domestic violence during any visits there, and he couldn't leave them with couples who had a known violent history, and stuff like that. So among other things he got the house and land, all the furniture, etc., everything of mine I forgot to specifically list that I wanted (which was almost everything), half of my child support back for three years for my share of the marital debts, got all the credit cards, and got to claim both kids on the income tax every year. (I didn't know anything about taxes.) Oh his lawyer was good! And that divorce was written ironclad that I knew exactly what I was agreeing to and could not contest it later. I didn't get half of his retirement like I should of been entitled to. I got one tiny (as in $25) increase in child support later on and he didn't have to help with any extracurricular expenses. And on top of all that, I wasn't allowed to move more than 750 miles from him and he got the kids every other major holiday and for eight weeks every summer. Which turned out to be a real heartache for me. It was their whole summer break and I never got to take them on one single vacation. Oh yes, I was badly, badly screwed in the divorce! |
| But...I am a good mother, and I hopefully counteracted any damage that was done in their visits with their father and stepmother. The kids are grown now. Did I get them out in time? I don't know. Years later there are still some residual effects from the violence. For example, none of us deal with being hurt by the opposite sex very well. It's hard to let anyone get close and even harder to trust. I had my son take Anger Management classes when he was 13. As a result he never gets angry, even when he 'should' get angry. I think he may be afraid he has his father's temper; so he is afraid to show any anger whatsoever because it might get out of control. Although in their 20s, neither child is in a relationship right now. Would things have ended up this way if there had been no violence in their early years? I don't know. But I can tell you, the younger your kids are when you get out the better off you and they will be. |
| It was hard for me especially to let anyone get close; I NEVER wanted to get married again. I never wanted to be controlled or hit ever again. No one was going to tell me who I could and couldn't have for friends or who I could or couldn't call on the phone. But I met a wonderful man who treats me like a woman should be treated. We met online and chatted for hours for several months before I finally agreed to meet him in person. We actually lived in the same town! While we were dating I basically put him through hell, testing him for reactions to every situation I could think of. But he knew what I was doing and why, and refused to be run off! God bless him! After dating for two years, we were married in January, 1997. I got to have my nice church wedding I'd always dreamed of and my family was present and the kids stood up with us. The kids got to see how a relationship SHOULD be between a man and a woman. Getting divorced was the best thing I ever did. I wish I had done it years sooner, after being hit the very first time! I feel like now I have a true "white picket fence" home. |
| I want any woman involved in an abusive relationship to know that she SHOULD get out and she CAN make it and she CAN be HAPPY again! If I can do it, you can do it!!! If you need support or encouragement PLEASE email me, I'd be happy to help in any way I can! |
| I have since been involved in the Attorney General's Coalition Against Domestic Violence in the Workplace. I allowed them to tape me for a training tape and I have spoken to over 200 CEO's and numerous other management staff in the state of Louisiana; telling my story and educating them on the victim's side of Domestic Violence and what employers can do to help them. I didn't go into here how the violence effected me in the workplace. But believe me it did. It effects attendance, morale, attitude, ability to concentrate, trust abilities, and many other things. I strongly encourage all employers to have a Domestic Violence Policy in the workplace. If I can speak to your organization or help your company set up a Workplace Policy please contact me. |
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Violence In Our Lives Ends Today |
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I Got Flowers Today and five other short stories about your Rights.
FOR IMMEDIATE HELP PLEASE CALL:
National Domestic Violence/Abuse Hot line -- 24 Hours a day -- All 50 states
1-800-799-SAFE 1-800-799-7233 1-800-787-3224 TDD
Trained counselors can provide immediate assistance. Callers can remain anonymous and all calls are confidential. You can be connected directly to help in your community, including emergency services and shelters, counseling and assistance in reporting abuse, referrals and information. This could be the best call you ever made!
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If you have domestic violence story you'd like to share or if my story impacted you in some way, I'd love to hear from you! Click on the icon to send me a note. :) |
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